I don’t remember the words he used, just the point. “He” was the new president at an international mission organization I had loved and worked at for nearly 12 years. I was the first to be laid off. I can’t tell you why the new president chose me to go first, but I know God allowed it. Obviously this was not a situation I welcomed, but when it was forced on me it was accompanied by a wash of peace and a splash of hope.
The realization that being laid off was God’s plan did provide peace, but then there was the question, “His plan for what?” I know it allowed me to escape from the painful collapse of the mission organization. I know I have been available to help family members in ways I would never had been able to before. He obliged me to evaluate what I was spending my coins on and to cut my costs, which allows me to live on lots less. All this I learned because of hindsight providing a clear perception. I can look backwards and see His hand directing my steps. But the question persists, “His plan for what? What’s next?”
Jeremiah 29:11 in The Message version says, “I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.” Linking the words I know to future seems like an oxymoron until I consider who is saying they “know.” The Lord has stated unequivocally that He alone knows. Not only does He know, but He has plans. Not for just an ordinary what-to-do-today agenda, but He has a long-term goal to flourish, thrive, and mature me.
Encouraging, but again, “What’s next?”
I have heard this kind of period in people’s lives described as the waiting room or the desert. I don’t care for those labels. I have decided to call it my University of Ambiguity. To be in a waiting room conjures up visions of a doctor’s office with old magazines, sick people, and unpleasant tests coming. I’ve been told there is beauty to be found in a desert, but I haven’t discovered it. The desert is a place at a loss for water, dusty, hot, and desolate for long stretches. University of Ambiguity communicates a time of learning and growth.
During this time I have realized that what caused a change in my perception is attitude. When I start to fret and agonize about not knowing what’s next, the desert winds kick up and I long for the simplicity of ambiguity. With ambiguity I have found a friend, a comfort, an ability to focus on the moment, to live right now without having to know all the answers. I have had to learn to live without certainty, but I have confidence in the One who knows everything.
I went on a wonderful series of interviews for a particular job. It was wonderful because I was relaxed and living totally in the moment. Neither of these was normal for me. For once I didn’t need to know all the answers. I could talk about the gift God gave me of being laid-off and mean it. I could say to them that my focus is to be right here right now, and it was. We had great conversations about life and things unrelated to the open position. It was a delight. It was through this experience that it dawned on me I was living happily in ambiguity, my ambiguity. I didn’t get the job, but was that why I was involved in those interviews? I don’t think so. The Human Resource Director told me their decision had been difficult because everyone enjoyed their time with me so much. In my University of Ambiguity days I have learned that many times the reason we believe something happens has nothing to do with the reality behind the event. Ambiguity teaches me to squeeze the life out of every second while grabbing hold of God. It all makes sense to Him. He has “my” plan under control.
James 5:11 tells me, “What a gift life is to those who stay the course! You've heard, of course, of Job's staying power, and you know how God brought it all together for him at the end. That's because God cares, He cares right down to the last detail.”
