What I’m learning about. . . ambiguity.

I don’t remember the words he used, just the point. “He” was the new president at an international mission organization I had loved and worked at for nearly 12 years. I was the first to be laid off. I can’t tell you why the new president chose me to go first, but I know God allowed it. Obviously this was not a situation I welcomed, but when it was forced on me it was accompanied by a wash of peace and a splash of hope.

The realization that being laid off was God’s plan did provide peace, but then there was the question, “His plan for what?” I know it allowed me to escape from the painful collapse of the mission organization. I know I have been available to help family members in ways I would never had been able to before. He obliged me to evaluate what I was spending my coins on and to cut my costs, which allows me to live on lots less. All this I learned because of hindsight providing a clear perception. I can look backwards and see His hand directing my steps. But the question persists, “His plan for what? What’s next?”

Jeremiah 29:11 in The Message version says, “I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for.” Linking the words I know to future seems like an oxymoron until I consider who is saying they “know.” The Lord has stated unequivocally that He alone knows. Not only does He know, but He has plans. Not for just an ordinary what-to-do-today agenda, but He has a long-term goal to flourish, thrive, and mature me.
Encouraging, but again, “What’s next?”

I have heard this kind of period in people’s lives described as the waiting room or the desert. I don’t care for those labels. I have decided to call it my University of Ambiguity. To be in a waiting room conjures up visions of a doctor’s office with old magazines, sick people, and unpleasant tests coming. I’ve been told there is beauty to be found in a desert, but I haven’t discovered it. The desert is a place at a loss for water, dusty, hot, and desolate for long stretches. University of Ambiguity communicates a time of learning and growth.

During this time I have realized that what caused a change in my perception is attitude. When I start to fret and agonize about not knowing what’s next, the desert winds kick up and I long for the simplicity of ambiguity. With ambiguity I have found a friend, a comfort, an ability to focus on the moment, to live right now without having to know all the answers. I have had to learn to live without certainty, but I have confidence in the One who knows everything.

I went on a wonderful series of interviews for a particular job. It was wonderful because I was relaxed and living totally in the moment. Neither of these was normal for me. For once I didn’t need to know all the answers. I could talk about the gift God gave me of being laid-off and mean it. I could say to them that my focus is to be right here right now, and it was. We had great conversations about life and things unrelated to the open position. It was a delight. It was through this experience that it dawned on me I was living happily in ambiguity, my ambiguity. I didn’t get the job, but was that why I was involved in those interviews? I don’t think so. The Human Resource Director told me their decision had been difficult because everyone enjoyed their time with me so much. In my University of Ambiguity days I have learned that many times the reason we believe something happens has nothing to do with the reality behind the event. Ambiguity teaches me to squeeze the life out of every second while grabbing hold of God. It all makes sense to Him. He has “my” plan under control.

James 5:11 tells me, “What a gift life is to those who stay the course! You've heard, of course, of Job's staying power, and you know how God brought it all together for him at the end. That's because God cares, He cares right down to the last detail.”

The Path to Awe

It would be dramatic to tell you I hiked for hours, but the truth is I was in a parking lot heavy with pine trees. I started to walk; not realize what was in front of me. I finally got to the place where I realized there was something big in my path. I stop and began to look up and up and up. It was El Capitan. The power of it was overwhelming. What immediately came to mind was Romans 1: 20 ". . . His invisible attributes are clearly seen, being understood by the things that are made, even His eternal power and Godhead . . ."

This experience recently washing over me as I was reading Daring to Draw Near by John White. (Published by Intervarsity Press). My friend Laurie and I read through books together and discuss them. This is our new book. Each chapter is launched with a key prayer passage associate with the person a person in the Bible and used the prayer as a teaching point. The first chapter is about Abraham.

Here is the passage from chapter one that triggered my memory:
"Before I have taken upon myself to speak to the Lord, I who am but dust and ashes." Abraham was painfully aware of the incongruity, the total inappropriateness of what he was doing. Yet without such an awareness what is prayer, but a parroting of words? If we close our minds to everything about God that makes us uncomfortable, we are going through empty motions when we pray. We pray to a god we have fashioned for our comfort and not to God as he is. True prayer is to respond to the true God as he reveals more of himself by his Spirit in His word. Prayer defined in such terms can be a terrifying experience.

This passage and the memory of El Capitan has promoted days of lingering thoughts considering this question: Do I pray to God?

We do have a tendency to "close our minds to everything about God that makes us uncomfortable" and fashion a god of our own comprehension. Here are five examples I've come up with. Can you add to this list?

Santa Claus god
I'm sure you have heard of this one. The concept is a god you just send up your list of demands and he is required to fulfill your demands. You maybe think, oh the poor person who would pray this way. When was the last time you listened to God? Are your prayers a list and not a conversation? God desires a relationship.
Consider: Matthew 11:28-29 "Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls."
James4:8 "Draw near to God and He will draw near to you."
Psalms 16:11 "You will show me the path of life; In Your presence is fullness of joy."
I Corinthians 1:9 "God, who has called you into fellowship with his Son Jesus Christ our Lord, is faithful."

Wizard of Oz god
This is an all flash and no substance god. In the Wizard of Oz when Dorothy and her three friends reached the Wizard he is this large green head that spits out anger, loud noises, and flashes of lighting. But thanks to Toto who pulls the curtain at the side we realize the Wizard is really something much smaller. With this version of god why should we brother to pray; he is just all noise and no underpinning.
What about: Job 42:2"I know that You can do everything, And that no purpose of Yours can be withheld from You."
Isaiah 9:-7-6 "For unto us a Child is born, Unto us a Son is given; And the government will be upon His shoulder. And His name will be called Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace. Of the increase of His government and peace There will be no end, Upon the throne of David and over His kingdom, To order it and establish it with judgment and justice From that time forward, even forever."
Isaiah 40: 12-15, 18 Who has measured the waters in the hollow of His hand, Measured heaven with a span And calculated the dust of the earth in a measure? Weighed the mountains in scales And the hills in a balance? Who has directed the Spirit of the Lord, Or as His counselor has taught Him? With whom did He take counsel, and who instructed Him, And taught Him in the path of justice? Who taught Him knowledge, And showed Him the way of understanding? Behold, the nations are as a drop in a bucket . . .To whom then will you liken God? Or what likeness will you compare to Him? "

Fear-based god
This view of god ends up in the same place as the Wizard of Oz god, but gets there from a different direction. With your understanding of god the only emotion you can muster is fear. He is vengeful, angry, and causing pain where ever he goes. Why would you want to pray to a god like this? The fear is in even talking to this kind of god he would then know you exists and turn his fury on you and start killing off your family and/or friends with diseases or accidents.
He knows and loves us: Romans 8: 37-39 "No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
I John 3:1 "How great is the love the Father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God! And that is what we are! The reason the world does not know us is that it did not know him."

Sunshine, Rainbows, & butterflies god
The sun is radiating behind a glowing figure standing on a grassy mount with bunnies hopping around the flowers surrounding his feet; butterflies flutter and birds chirp close to him. Never does a moment of sadness enter his presences only joy and goodness. With this version of god he wouldn't understand the struggles and pain we deal sometimes on a daily bases.
But what about: Hebrews 4: 14-16 "Seeing then that we have a great High Priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. For we do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us therefore come boldly to the throne of grace that we may obtain mercy and find grace to help in time of need."
I Peter 2: 21-24 "For to this you were called, because Christ also suffered for us, leaving us an example, that you should follow His steps: "Who committed no sin, Nor was deceit found in His mouth"; who, when He was reviled, did not revile in return; when He suffered, He did not threaten, but committed Himself to Him who judges righteously; who Himself bore our sins in His own body on the tree, that we, having died to sins, might live for righteousness--by whose stripes you were healed."

Take A Number god
Remember the little red machines that you pull a number from to wait for the clerk to help you? Well, with this version god is so busy that when you take your number it's in the trillions. With knowing the hair count of every person, keeping track of falling sparrow, and the whole time space continuum things he is too busy to even care about what is happening in my life.
He is personal: Matthew 10: 29-31"Are not two sparrows sold for a copper coin? And not one of them falls to the ground apart from your Father's will. But the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear therefore; you are of more value than many sparrows."
Psalms 139: 7-10 "Where can I go from Your Spirit? Or where can I flee from Your presence? If I ascend into heaven, You are there; If I make my bed in hell, behold, You are there. If I take the wings of the morning, And dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea, Even there Your hand shall lead me, And Your right hand shall hold me."

Hopefully, you haven't found any of these definitions of a god you pray to, so let's go back to the last two sentences of the passage from Daring to Dare Near quoted earlier:
True prayer is to respond to the true God as he reveals more of himself by his Spirit in His word. Prayer defined in such terms can be a terrifying experience.

Now the question becomes, how do you pray to the true God? After these days considering this topic this is what I've come up with, "humbly I come . . . your praise to bring."